On Writing....

I usually only post rough drafts on this blog, but I have decided to post two pieces here that are now in their final form and published elsewhere for comparison with the originals.

This piece is now titled, "Why I Don't Write Fiction," and I have placed them side by side.

Final Draft:

Why I Don't Write Fiction...

I don't write fiction.

That's not to say that I can't write fiction. I just don't. It's not my thing. When you're born destined to be one of those artsy fartsy types, you really don't have much say in the talent you get stuck with. Think about it. Isn't that really the only logical explanation why someone with musical talent would be drawn to the bagpipes? Those of us gifted with a writing bent may aspire to be the next Stephen King or Tom Clancy, but you get what you get. If you're a right brain-er and lucky, you'll get something other than handcrafting centerpieces from old toilet seats. Still, we creative types can always make a little scratch with all the niche markets on the Internet these days.

Unless you're a poet of course...poor saps.

Fiction also tends to be a bit long and quite frankly, there's not enough Ritalin stockpiled in the free world to allow me to focus long enough to turn out a manuscript of any length. My attention span seems to hover somewhere between 400 and 1000 words before the AD/HD kicks into high gear. At this point, I will inevitably find myself out in my car, digging through a heap of moldy coffee cups, ripped pantyhose and court appearance tickets so mountainous, it is truly life threatening in its avalanche potential. I am almost positive that this is where I left that valuable coupon for half off of a dog waxing...

Later, as I wait for one of the kids to discover me trapped beneath the fifty pound bag of kitty litter, I use this valuable time to contemplate my story. Humming along with the ear worm that has been persistently distracting me since word 800, I start to suspect that this may be why I get so many "weak ending" comments from editors.

"We're gonna dooo it oooouuur way...yes oooouuur way...make all our dreeeeeams coooome true..."

What was I...? Oh yes...

What I do write, my thing, is something called creative non-fiction. Basically, I tell true stories that really happen to me and I get to be a smart ass. I have no control over this aspect of the process as smart-assery happens to be my own personal version of the bagpipes. The "creative" part of the writing takes considerably more work because it involves improving the flow of a true story by using complicated literary devices that take years of dedicated practice to master.

My particular specialty is replacing the lame thing I actually said with the extremely witty thing that I realize, on the drive home, I should have said.

The "non" part of the fiction is easy. I simply describe the details surrounding the events that consistently demonstrate to the rest of the world what a dork I am.

Fortunately, my life generates a lot of material.

Original Draft:

I don't write fiction.
That's not to say that I can't write fiction. I just don't. It's not my thing. This is one of the problems with being one of those right brained, artsy fartsy types. You don't have much say in the creative talent you get stuck with. Who knows why one person is drawn to the bagpipes and another does pen and ink drawings of old barns. Most writers would love to be the next Stephen King or Tom Clancy, but you get what you get. If you're lucky, you get something that you can actually make a decent living at, but even if your "thing" turns out to be handcrafting centerpieces from old toilet seats, you can usually find a market and make a little scratch.

Unless you're a poet of course...poor saps.

What I do write, my thing, is something called creative non-fiction. Basically, I tell true stories and I get to be a smart ass. The "creative" part involves improving the flow and comedic value of a true story by using literary devices such as "For-shadowing" or manipulating a "Story Element" to create "Symbolism." My particular specialty is replacing the lame thing I actually said with the extremely witty thing that I realize, on the drive home, I should have said. I also have a tendency of over using "Italics" to "emphasize" whatever point it is I think I'm trying to make.

The non-fiction part is the true story where I describe, in detail, what a dink I am to the rest of the world.

Fortunately, my life generates a lot of material.